10 Things I Never Thought I’d Ever Say (Before I Had Kids)


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Remember back before kids when you used to say things like “I will NEVER say _____ to my kids!”? And you would say it with such conviction; so sure that you would always have control over what your children did and what came out of your mouth.

And then you actually had kids and all of that went out of the window, right? Your kids run around like crazy people and sometimes you let them. You get so frustrated/tired/overwhelmed/busy that you say things you swore you’d never say…or things that you never even thought would ever come out of your mouth.

Here are some of my favorites…these are ones that I have said on more than one occasion – things I would never thought I’d ever say before I had kids.

Put on underwear if you want to eat dinner.

Do not wipe boogers on the couch.

Can I please go to the bathroom by myself?

I reached out to other moms via Facebook and asked: Tell me something that you never would have thought you would ever say until you had kids.

Here are their responses:

“Everybody has a butt.” In response to my child saying, “Girls have a bagina, boys have a butt.” Or how about “Don’t put your face in the cat’s butt.” Lots of talk about butts in this house… – Elizabeth Flora Ross, The Writer Revived

I have actually said the words, “get your penis off the table.” To my son, not my husband just to clarify. – Poppy Marler, Funny or Snot

Please stop slapping your vagina. – Leigh Ann Torres, Genie in a Blog

Don’t lick the cat. – Greta Funk, gfunkified

Please don’t put Lambie in the toilet. – Kristin Alexander, What She Said

Please don’t sniff your teacher’s butt. To my preschooler… who likes to sniff butts… – Jenny Chiu, Mommy Nani Booboo

Nooo, do not do that – to the the youngest as she put a handful of jellybeans in her mouth in a candy store. Then when she spat them into her hand and threw them back in the barrel … I followed it with OMGawd, run … to my oldest and we hightailed it out of the store. – Nicole Morgan, Sisters From Another Mister

If there’s pepperoni in that filthy hole, that means you didn’t eat it. Please don’t tell lies to get pudding. – Cameron Garriepy, Cameron D. Garriepy Author

“Get out of my booty!” “Don’t kiss my boobs!” And the newest one? “Baby you didn’t color down there with a marker. It’s that color naturally.” Correction. Its don’t eat my boobs. I also say don’t eat my arm closely followed by don’t eat my face. Obviously I’m preparing my child to blend in during the zombie apocalypse. – Sili Recio, My Mamihood

Berry blast toothpaste is NOT to be eaten like apple crushers. – Mandy Dawson, Mandyland

“No, she (her cousin) cannot sit on the bathroom floor and wait for you. Pooping is not a two person party, hurry up!” I had to turn away to giggle. In her defense, she’s 3 and likes company. – Yanira Garza, Manolos, Manicures & This Mom   

There are so many more funny things that we say as moms! What do you say that you never thought you would say before you had kids?



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